You remember my perky grim idea I came up with on the Island I’ve been stranded on for 500 years? The one where I’d get back at my mom for my shitty childhood?
Well, I did it! Just the other day!
I dressed up in a dark green hood, and I put on some dark green make up around my eyes. And I fucking broke through the window into her office!
I didn’t think I could pull this off, but whew!
I went into the next empty office, climbed out the window onto the ledge, all hooded up and bowed up and shit, and went around to her window while it was all rain and storm all around me.
So there I was, outside my mom’s office window, and fuck! How do I break this motherfucker? Shoot, I should have brought a hammer!
But then, the “salvaging idea”: I took my boot off and started slamming it against the window.
It didn’t brake.
I though to myself “Shit! Now you’re busted!” But thank to the storm, nobody seemed to notice my pathetic attempt at breaking in. So I went back in, took the break glass hammer from the emergency fire alarm box, went all the way back out and along that slippery ledge, crashed the fucking window, and jumped into the room and in front of a startled mother.
It was un-fucking-believable! I still get tears of excitement in my eyes when I think about that moment.
I looked around, but there was nobody else in the room for me to knock out. Thank god for that! Coz’ this point in my plan was bugging me really bad: What if they kicked my ass instead of the other way around? Thankfully, it didn’t come to that, so I went straight on to the next point in my plan:
I turned on my Creepy Voice Modulator (coz’ I didn’t wanna risk sounding like a whiny little sissy once I stood in front of my mom like that; Good thing I bought it, right?), pulled out an arrow, and pointed it at her face. Trying to suppress a looming fit of laughter, I said with a deep, dark voice:
You have failed this city!
At this point, according to plan, my mom was supposed to crawl on her knees and be scared like hell, and I was supposed to get a level of satisfaction from it that would make up for my shitty childhood and years of therapy.
But guess what happened instead?
She shot at me! She fucking shot at me!
Fuck! I will never get out of therapy now! I will be in therapy till retirement!
My name is Oliver Clean, and I have just become The Grim Arrow.1
- And a somewhat frustrated one, but it’ll pass. [↩]